Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Wipe your mouth. There's still a little tiny bit of BS around your lips.

   I've just got a nice little part-time job at the local funeral home.I only work mournings.

   I will cause a 12-car pileup before I let you last-minute merge.

   how are those refugees in Europe working out for you

   I accidently grabbed the wrong shopping cart at Walmart and I'm hoping this kid stops crying because I am not going to raise a crybaby!

   When you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It's only painful and difficult for others. The same applies when you are stupid.

   my wife turned on some p0rn and said, "I want to show you what I like" then it got awkward I don't have a huge black d*ck.

   According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, you're actually a few million years late. That star is dead. Just like your dreams.

   If Nancy Pelosi gets one more facelift , she's going to have to start brushing her teeth with Vagasil .

   I'm a little disappointed.. I set three boobytraps last night and didn't catch any!

   Okay....if you're going to post pictures which include your hot friends, at least tag them!!!

   wish I could Google anything. I`d search "WHERE THE HELL IS MY IPOD?" and it would be like "UNDER THE COUCH YOU DUMBASS"

   Sometimes I whisper, "I'm on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world.

   Thinks some peoples relationship status should be "In a relationship with ___ while cheating with ___ and at the same time talking to ___"

   You'd think by episode 133 the Scooby Doo gang would know it's a guy in a costume every time.

   Ok so America is attacking Syria for the chemical gas thing but who's attacking America for the Miley Cyrus thing?

   I never use turn signals..its nobodies business where I go.

   Just because I'm giving up , doesn't mean I don't care. It means I'm tired of giving my everything & ending up with nothing.

   Misspellings suck. Sent an e-mail to my mom telling her I was bbq'ing and gonna have fun this weekend with my "cook" out. I misspelled "cook"...And...Well...Now my mom thinks I'm a perv too.

   I used to have no life. Now I have a laptop and Facebook!