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A man walked into a library and asked for a book on suicide. The librarian said, "F* off, you won't bring it back!" 
just came back from a pleasure trip (took the mother-in-law to the bus station)
Men get more attractive with age. Women...well they just let you put it in more places.
I'm off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...
Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.
Today is Fat Tuesday, and of course, this being America, it will be followed by Even Fatter Wednesday, Obese Thursday and Fat-A$$ Friday.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I think this is the one time in his life, where he wishes she sent him for tampons!
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
Shes great on the piano but she sucks on the organ lol
Nothing like an old high school crush finding you & friending you on Facebook because he needs cows or some shit for Farmville.
So after an hour of playing Paper, Rock, Scissors, we decided to call it a tie. Good game, mirror!
Anytime a smart ass cop tells me to have a nice day after he writes me a ticket I respond with "and you try not to get shot today."
The most painful & worst possible types of goodbyes, are the ones that are never said, or never even explained
Any man can admire your frame but a real man will admire the masterpiece within the frame.
From now on I'm going to have to start following my brain. My heart is clearly a F@$&@ng idiot.
Come to think of it, the sinking of the Titanic was probably viewed as a miracle by the lobsters in the kitchen.
My dad said if I keep typing really loudly he's going to smash my face into the keynvjkFh;whg
Too bad no one here has watched enough comedies to be a comedian...
to the burger king employee, with the man Mayo. if you want to make 15 dollars a hour get a real job
No Grandma, EBOLA is not a new perfume from Kim Kardashian
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