Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I was dating an English teacher, but she dumped me.... She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.

   When I sing with my headphones in I think, "Why don't I have a record deal?!"...Then I take them out and I know why.

   My solution to world hunger: Tell em to order Dominoes Pizza.....they can't possibly get in 30 minutes so it would all be free.

   Liking your own status is like high-five-ing yourself in public

   Tomorrow is the 1 day that dyslexics will b able to get a date right. :-B

   either i'm becoming bitter and judgemental or everyone else has become stupid and pathetic.

   Ladies, if you ever want a guaranteed call from your man, just send him to the grocery store without a shopping list.

   Facebook just suggested I be friends with my ex. I marked it 'Offensive

   There are two varieties of hoe. One is a gardening tool. The other is a hardening tool.

   Drank two pitchers of mojitos and didn't post a photo of it... Yes,,, it IS actually possible do that.

   A girl on Facebook posted about how she sprained her toe, and I didn't comment on how I hope it wasn't her camel toe, because I'm an adult. I sent it in a pvt message ;~)

   I bet shady people have a really hard time getting tan

   Women on fb. They "Poke" you a hundred times a day. Then they find Mr. Perfect for the millionth time and then disappear...until the big breakup a week later...then the Pokes start up again. DELETE!

   It has been proven that girls whose profile pics were taken in a mirror or more likely to send you nudes

   Every time I see you my heart flutters, and time slows down. So either I'm in love or having a stroke!

   If I ever go missing, put my picture on a bourbon bottle; no one I know drinks milk.

   My wife said she would jump in front of a bullet for me. I got my gun out. She is such a liar.

   My friend asked “What do blind people think about when they masturbate?” I’d be willing to bet that it is something along the lines of “Who is watching me”

   How to get along with your spouse: Don't have one.

   And the award for best neckwear goes to....... Hmmm,, Well would you look at that, it's a tie