Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   "We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight around here." - Corporate ants.

   doctor: are you sexually active me: I'm not even physically active

   Forget healthcare, welfare, and gun control.... if you want to get to the root of this countries problems, look no further than the people who use hashtags on Facebook.

   I am so old I still have stuff written MADE IN USA.

   I've heard of women that aren't crazy ... but I've also heard of unicorns, so whatever...

   Women are simply incredible, magnificent, alluring creatures. Why they're all not lesbians is beyond me.

   Half of my Facebook friends are still there solely because their life is a train wreck and it's entertaining.

   My girlfriend just replied to my text saying she is up for a threesome tonight! Now I am anxiously waiting for my wife to reply.

   Remember me? I was your friend when you were single.

   Your relationship ended. Not your life -_-

   Im worried, about that one cute sweet innocent girl who keeps liking my fb post.

   Karma takes too long ..... I'd rather beat the sh%t out of you.

   You can tell a lot about someone by the swastika they've carved into their forehead.

   My girlfriends dad asked me what I do... Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.

   When it is this hot out, I like to walk around in my underwear in the air conditioning. I don't know why 7-11 has a problem with this..

   My old fish didn't move around in her bowl all day. I hought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

   Some of the most dangerous, poisonous kinds of snakes are hard to identify because they look just like a friend.

   Today's brilliant idea: Slim Fast beer.

   Lord, it's me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?

   On Monday, Chipotle will begin selling tofu burritos in the New York area. So if you love burritos, and you love tofu . . . you probably don’t exist.