Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Dear mom, if you are reading this right now. I;m in the bathroom and we are out of toilet paper. Please Help!!

   If you guys were at a bar right now I'd burst through the door & say "Drinks are on me!" Then I'd go to the bathroom & climb out the window.

   I want to deactivate my FB account, but I know I would be proud of myself and want to announce it to everyone… on Facebook.

   Don`t flatter yourself, I sent a friend request not a marriage proposal.

   I'm too sexy for my ex.

   I still don't understand why these Christmas Carolers get spooked so easily....They act like they've never had a potato gun fired at them before! ツ

   I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making a healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

   So my neighbor comes over last night and has the nerve to tell me to turn my music down.......So I says "What the heck are you even doing up at 2:00 am in the first place?!"

   The next relationship I get into, I will be buying a bottle of shampoo that some day...for they will both be in a secret competition to see which will last longer...

   My bucket list is just a list of things I want to eat a bucket of....

   I'm really attracted to how unavailable you are.

   The imaginary enemy of my enemy is my imaginary friend.

   Anyone else get that odd sense of victory when your fart causes someone to open the car window in the middle of a thunderstorm??

   Tebow is white, plays against Miami, loved by fans, and only plays well in the 4th quarter - he's the anti-LeBron

   Bin Laden, Gadaffi, Saddam, and Maliki are part of the occupy Hell movement.

   With Lindsay Lohan doubling duty between a Playboy shoot and working at the L.A. county morgue, it should be interesting to see what she wears for Halloween...I haven't spotted any zombie, prison striped, part time lesbian, boozing, kleptomaniac, playboy

   currently in the planning stages for a hangover.

   This girl I'm going out with tonight must be rich because she has one of those expensive cars that she can start just by blowing into a tube.

   You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

   If you're a polygamist married to several women and dont have a wedding ring that says, "One ring to rule them all." You're just wasting everybody's time.