Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I bought a piece of furniture last night, but when I woke up it was gone. Who knew they made one night stands!?

   If it's broken, fix it. If it's lost, find it. If it's loud turn it down. If it's hot, cool it off. If it burns when you pee, call all of your exes

   maybe I'm not pretty, nice, funny, popular, hot or charming...but at least; I'M NOT FAKE!

   Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

   Heres one for MythBusters: See if she can really suck a golf ball thru a garden hose.

   Girls gain weight because their brains can't hold all the info so it spreads to other places. Therefore she's not fat, she's a genius.

   wondering why women can't remember to put the toilet seat up after they are finished?

   Q: How many drugs did Charlie Sheen take? A: Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

   The only wet dream I had about you was when you got hit by a bus and I pissed my pants laughing

   Police ordered me to get out of my car 'You're staggering' said the officer .'you're not a bad looking f*cker yourself' I replied

   Nothing says you almost got caught watching porn like staring at an empty Google search bar..

   Women are not complicated... They just want love... and chocolate... and shoes... and some other stuff

   "Give It To Me" She Screamed, "I'm getting Wet, Give It To Me Now".... "Screw Off" I replied "This Is My Umbrella"

   "Dad! There's a monster under my bed!" "That's silly. There's no mOH MY GOD! IT'S TEARING MY ARM OFF! Just kidding. It only eats kids. Goodnight..."

   The brawl at the Mall of America says more about our country than any five history books ever could.

   I toss and turn until 5 minutes before the alarm, then I drift peacefully off to sl--*beep*beep*beep*beep*!

   I know my dream woman is out there.. and that her boring friend is the one into me..

   Dear Google: We're not dating, so stop trying to finish my sentences. Sincerely, not searching for "Why can't midgets shave"

   More people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.

   Dear FCC, We already know whats being shown and said behind those blurs and black rectangles. Sincerely Everybody