Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If your children have visions of sugarplums dancing in their heads it's a bit too late for that talk about drugs.

   With the money they have they could of bought a better baby name......

   A lot of independent women wish they had someone to depend on.

   I like jury duty because it's a fun reminder that one day my life could be in the hands of a guy wearing Velcro shoes.

   I do push ups with my eyebrows, don't be hatin!!

   I haven't changed my clock since last year so today my clock is finally right!

   Taking my Mother-in-Law swimming off the western coast of Australia

   Apple cobbler? Uh,, No thanks,,, If I ever want shoes made for my apples,, I'll buy them at the mall where they're cheaper,,, I'm NOT an idiot..

   Turns out the guy I hired to be my life coach is actually a swimming coach, which explains why he kept wanting me to wear a Speedo.

   Rather than buy Instagram, it would have been nice if Facebook put that money into just 1 version of their app that ACTUALLY works.

   This just isn't working out.... I think we should start being other people.

   And on Friday God created alcohol, and Adam was happy! It had been a long first week with Eve

   Dear people who dont rate a joke after it makes them laugh, F*ck you!! >:p

   Hello Verizon... This is President Obama... I am interested in your share everything plan...

   Google... sqrt(cos(x))*cos(300x)+sqrt(abs(x))-0.7)*(4-x*x)^0.01, sqrt(6-x^2), -sqrt(6-x^2) from -4.5 to 4.5

   wondering if Chris Brown releases a "greates hits" cd.....will that violate his probation????

   went to a baseball game yesterday with my new girlfriend. We played a game where I would kiss her on the strikes, and she would kiss me on the...

   Doesnt matter if the Bengals lose.... Yeah a win would be nice but at least our Quater back isnt a douche. You can constantly improve, you cant fix Douche-Baggery. There I win ;)

   A completely unattractive woman is hitting on me at the bar. I'd drink until she's cute but the bar closes in 9 hours...

   I didn't know how talented I was...I can sneeze and piss at the same time... :(