Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I have a female anatomy medical chart above my bed to use as a reference if I ever get lucky again*

   Kanye West calls himself Yeezus because he can turn, "Not winning a Grammy Award" into whine.

   I signed up for eharmony and it keeps matching me up with local Baskin Robbins.

   "Herrreee kitty, kitty, kitty" ~ Me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon.

   I was in a gang once — we used to carry pocket knives & wear all green with blood-red bandanas around our neck. Wait, that was Boy Scouts.

   I think Americans need to find out who makes terrorist passports, apparently those things survive plane crashes and suicide bombs

   If I was a rapper, I would use the stage name Gee Wizzy

   I'm relying on future medical breakthroughs to undo the repercussions of my present unhealthy habits.

   your not drunk till you have to grab the grass to keep from falling off the earth

   Girls who say 'G-strings are more comfortable than regular underwear' know that men hear 'I like things in my butt'

   Pouring the last bowlful of Lucky Charms from its box and finding no marshmallows is like pouring a bowlful of sadness.

   I asked a fortune teller to read my future. Suddenly, she went pale and sprinted from the room. So I grabbed the crystal ball, chased her down and beat her to death.

   You don't drown by falling in water. You drown by staying there.

   I would walk into the light, but that's where all the bugs are.

   Feelings are like waves, we can't stop them from coming but we can choose which one to surf.

   I sent my wife to Home Depot to buy a set of knee pads for me. Hey, fair is fair.

   Our Internet is down and I just shaved with a razor that had only *four* blades. It just got all Dark Ages up in here.

   Wow....turns out I'm NOT a Ninja. That really hurt.

   Girl Scout cookies are a lot like crack. Only instead of a creepy sweatsuit wearing thug taking the cash, it's a cute kid with freckles & braces.........

   My New Year's Resolution, like always, will be to avoid a unicorn herd attack. I have a good feeling 2012 will be the year.