Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   How Dawn clean ducks but not my spaghetti bowl??

   When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say "Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh?"

   Some people just need a hug... Around the neck. With my hands.

   Pizza Rolls are just Hot Pockets for midgets.

   If you ever get a sudden urge to run around naked, sniff some Windex first, it'll keep you from streaking.

   Tired of being single? Go sleep on the couch for a night and remember what it feels like to be in a relationship. 

   If men stopped holding doors open for them, would ladies just pile up outside?

   Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together

   I like my women like I like my coffee.. in a burlap sack shipped over from a 3rd world country

   It's so cold out I've turned 50 Shades Of Blue!

   I once asked an old man: Which is more important to love or to be loved? He replied: which is more important to a bird, the left wing or the right wing?

   I just found some Thanksgiving leftovers in the fridge. Funny, I don't remember making any turkey pudding...

   My wrist injury is better now that Olympics women's beach volley is over.

   Please ignore this status. I'm standing in public alone and I don't want to seem like a total loner, so I'm making it look like I'm texting.

   I once dated an amputee. She single-handedly changed my life

   I asked a question and this kid said "GOOGLE IT".....You and this Dammmm Google everything Generation!....If the power was to ever cut off, we are so in trouble!

   Last time I went "trick or treating" for Halloween, I got so high beforehand that I just stood on my own porch ringing the doorbell all night.

   It has been so long, even my memory foam mattress forgot the last time I had sex.

   I like to keep the security people at places like Best Buy, etc on their toes. Therefore, when I am leaving after having made a purchase and my item(s) still sets off the alarm, I will always take off running like a bat out of hell. Merry XMas!

   Walmart.. The only place in America where you can buy a shrimp-ring, a wedding-ring, and tidy-bowl for a toilet ring in the same store.