Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels

   ''Are you free tomorrow?'' No, i'm expensive.

   Lieutenant Dan, ice cream.

   Username or Password Incorrect” … You couldn't just tell me which one?

   When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you've been doing since you were 16.

   I swear if my boss paid ever me in Trident Layers, I'd probably have to kick his ass.

   you can quit with the whole "limited time offer" Proactiv, you've always been $19.95..

   It's that time of the year again where the trees are having sex. I wouldn't mind it except my car seems to be getting the money shot and I'm the one who has to clean it up.

   I'm going to open a store next to FOREVER 21 and call it "FINALLY 22".....

   (Person:) Do you know how many calories are in that?! (Me:) Do you know how many f**ks I don't give?

   I've quit smoking, drinking and swearing! I still lie though!

   The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of beer. That means the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.

   if I was 85 years old and a cop pulled me over for speeding my excuse would be "am in a hurry before I forget where I am going"

   I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.

   I always have sex with the front door open, So I can give Jehovas something to witness.

   "not drunk, hes just exhausted from being up all night drinking"

   There's a new soft drink which contains Viagra instead of Caffeine. It's called mount-n-do.

   in California a maltese dog cost around $1000, You can buy the same dog in Vietnam for 5 dollars and it includes a side of fries and a drink.

   I wonder if Asian people put smileys like this ¦)

   If you want to know whether a chick is a cvnt or not, just call her a c*nt. Nothing sets off a crazy cvnt like being called a cvnt.