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I can count to five in Spanish. Maybe Pitbull will let me be on his next album 
How can my kids rule at playing Tetris, then do such a crappy job at loading the dishwasher?
Always dress like you're going to see your worst enemy.
No one at work will question the handful of pills you are swallowing if you just say that it's what keeps you from murdering them all.
My son informed me that he does NOT lie. He simply creates fiction with his mouth from time to time.
I don't play "Hard To Get" , I play "Never Going To Happen"
I want to go to Australia so I can wear shorts with a cowboy hat yet remain straight.
For softer cookies,,, skip the baking part and just eat the dough.
Hey, Facebook ticker, I don't need to know which Yahoo articles my friends have read. What's next, a detailed report of what everyone Googles in real time? No thank you!
Fried rabbit and eggs on this Easter morning...sorry if this was the last house the Easter bunny made it to.
I'm single, meaning I don't have anyone dragging me into the theaters to go see the 'Hunger Games'...
I'm in a Long Distance Relationship....My Girlfriend Lives in the Future!
it's summer, the kids are home. I should just accept that everyday the house is gonna look like Bourbon Street on Monday morning.
The only alcohol problem I have is i'm running low on vodka
Admit it. When someone is mean to you, you spend the next 2 months winning arguments with them in your shower.
seriously science nerds. It's 2012; where's the calorie free booze???
Judging by this frying pan that just flew by my head I did something wrong, I can't wait to find out what it is.
When you are a kid, ''I'm going to tell your mom!'' is the scariest sentence ever!!!
How to make a Wiz Khalifa song. •Say uhhh • Say something about weed(like 20 times) • Say you're reppin Taylor Gang.
Huggies now offers a diaper called "Little Swimmers;" which I believe are what actually cause the babies in the 1st place.
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