Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.

   According to a new report from BP, the earth will run out of oil in 53 years. Luckily, thanks to BP, the ocean will still have plenty...

   Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We'll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.

   Being alone with my thoughts always leads to masturbation.

   I have a bad temper which means lots of make up sex and "I'm sorry" blow jobs. Who wants to date me?

   Can we have a NO Kathy Griffin button?

   Word to the wise... Sending an engagement request to your girlfriends facebook is not a good way to propose

   keep all of your issues in your tissue box and out of your status box!

   I just saved a bunch of money on my child support by switching to condoms

   Did everybody see the trailer for the new Free Willy movie? They kept on showing it on the news.

   the cops just found a body with no brain, saggy boobs, dirty undies, and a food stamp card. I'm really worried..are you okay?

   Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15

   Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

   Hi this is Bob barker encouraging yoiu to help stop the spread of crappy music. Have your Beiber spayed or neutered.

   Plan A: Marry hot girl Plan B: Marry average girl that can cook Plan C: Ramen Noodles.

   Don't ever save anything for a special occasion. Being alive is the special occasion.

   Even in the Olympics, women's basketball is unwatchable.

   No special plans tonight, but I'm thinking about throwing rocks at a foreign embassy and then grilling some burgers. Hit me up if you wanna join? My mom is coming too....

   Bacon shortage? Can't we just sacrifice Rosie Odonnell and fix it?

   Oh man, I almost forgot about The Alamo.