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Just saw someone in Wall mart with a Bluetooth, it was his only tooth 
I can only assume the next 4 weeks are incredibly difficult for people who's grandmother's were actually run over by reindeer. ..
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
My girlfriend claims I try to make everything into a 'quiz'. Is that: a) weird, b) annoying, or c) unfair
You seem unstable, wanna get an apartment together?
The Greatest Generation stormed Normandy so that today, we could storm Target.
Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.
My password is SupermanHulkThor, its the strongest password I can think of.
Happy 4/21 -national surprise drug test day!
Cats. Because why should conditional love only come from family?
I don't always eat what is right. Sometimes I eat what is left.
Before you try to change others, remember how hard it is to change yourself.
Welcome to Facebook! Where liars tell more lies, enemies are Facebook friends, weak people turn into Facebook gangsters, haters complain about haters and every person who talks about money ain't got none.
In the South we don't pay no attention to that stupid ground hog. We go out and look at the bush hog, if there is frost on it, it's still cold... dammit.
Girls don't dress for guys, they dress for themselves. If they dressed for guys they would be naked all the time
Condoms DO NOT guarentee safe sex anymore... A FB friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's Husband...
Spent 15 damn minutes looking for my phone in the car last night while using my phone asa a light, yup that high..
OK..... Not making a Latin American joke today was one of my Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooals
"Hump Day" is a crock! I haven't been laid on a Wednesday since 2007!
I tried to make it rain but now there is coffee everywhere and one of my coworkers is on the way to the hospital.
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