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Some people say I'm random. But who cares, chocolate is amazing. 
So Paula Deen has come out and said she has diabetes. All I need now is the Man vs. Food guy to have an acute myocardial infarction and the bizarre food guy to die of food poisoning and I win my “professional eating disorders” trifecta wager.
In porn, large breasted women home alone order a LOT of pizza and never have money. They've lots to learn about nutrition & cash management.
You'll never be the man your mother is.
My parents would not let me watch any violent movies. Instead we played board games with questions like "Who murdered this guy with a candlestick?"
Your quarantine name is your first name followed by your last name.
Arguing on social media never changes anyones minds. Change my mind
Those three magical words: “Where’s the plunger?”
Her: Men just want one thing and its disgusting. me- Then you need to wash it!
Feminism is like the Netherlands: it owes its existence to a network of dykes fighting the forces of nature.
See what happens when you name a hurricane after a man! He won't ask directions, wanders around lost, leaves a mess and doesn't clean up after himself!
In a gay casino, a queen beats a straight every time.
Jay Z wore are Colin K jersey on SNL last night. Couldn't spell Kaepernick
I went to visit my grandpa in the home and I asked him, Grandpa , do you know who I am.. He said NO , but if you go to the desk , they'll tell you .
Serena Williams said she'd rather lose than cheat while her coach admitted to cheating....
Do bone spurs keep someone out of jail? I'm asking for a friend.
I called the cops on my own Super Bowl party so everyone would leave.
When an object is not symmetrical, it is called asymmetrical. When an organism doesn't use sex to reproduce, it is classified as asexual. So therefore, my conclusion is if a person doesn't have a soul, they are an asoul.
The main difference between a nudist and a streaker is speed.
Anytime someone scrolls all the way to your first Facebook photo, you should get a notification. Or it should go straight to the police. 