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Sometimes I lose sleep wondering if I'm one of those "Damn... here comes that guy" guys 
Word on the street: Johnny Depp is single. The other word on the street: You don't stand a chance.
Everyone is gifted, but some people never open their package...
That uneasy momen when your one night stand thinks otherwise and is anticipating you to change your relationship status.
imagine the nurses surprise changin a old lady diaper an her tat says 'juicy'
For the chicks who forget why your boobs are so awesome...grab them and you'll remember why.
At your age we took spelling tests and not pregnancy tests.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
I miss Sunday afternoon football. The people living in this house keep trying to speak to me.
If you take relationship advice from Taco Bell hot sauce packets... Congrats, you have reached rock bottom.
With all the people on my back, it's a miracle I can even walk.
I don't need anger management... I need people to stop talking to me when I wake up.
If I could live in any time period, it would have to be a mix of the 50s and the 80s and the future. So, Back to the Future Pt 2, basically.
Reading your best friend's status and thinking, "Ha! I know exactly who that's about!"
How are we suppose to have flying cars if we can't even get AM radio without static?
The more I hear about other people's relationship drama, the happier I am that I'm single. :
Those awkward car rides with people you barely know.
Some people say I'm random. But who cares, chocolate is amazing.
So Paula Deen has come out and said she has diabetes. All I need now is the Man vs. Food guy to have an acute myocardial infarction and the bizarre food guy to die of food poisoning and I win my “professional eating disorders” trifecta wager.
In porn, large breasted women home alone order a LOT of pizza and never have money. They've lots to learn about nutrition & cash management.
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