Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I think the cats are hording all the single women out there... Happy Valentines Day everyone

   Anyone who invites me to play one of those letter games will get the letters F and U.

   Headed to the gym, and then to Taco Bell because I like to keep my body guessing if I love it or hate it.

   Etiquette question: If you have a co-worker who desperately needs a nose haor trimmer, do you just anonymously leave one on their desk, or do you tell her about it?

   Ladies first. Because it might be dangerous.

   I don't think it matters if a person is right-handed or left-handed, as long as they aren't under-handed.

   Avon stocks have lost 11% of their value this year. Apparently they are under investigation for allegedly bribing foreign officials. Well it looks like no more free lipstick and panties for Kim Jong-Un.

   Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. Hug your casual acquaintances. Fist bump a frenemy.

   I don't get why women panic over taking pregnancy tests. I would've jumped at the chance of peeing on all my tests when I was in school

   I'm so drunk I almost answered my phone.

   t amazes me that Playboy have explored the idea of making pop-up books yet.

   I saw a monarch butterfly today, what made it so special is the fact that it was the first time it wasn't stamped on some stripper's ass.

   "I sit on my ass looking at the web all day." - a spider

   When I call my parents, and they don't answer it's no big deal but when they call me and I don't answer it's like World War II.

   bought a box of condoms tonight..... when I walked in the house my wife asked me" why did you buy a year's supply for?"

   What makes women think a rapist is gonna wait around to be misted by tobassco spray you got in your purse, hell you guys cant even find your phone in there, and its ringing and vibrating...

   If you've ever described something as, "Better than sex", then you my friend, are probably having the wrong kind of sex..

   Give me a big tub of popcorn and I could watch women try to parallel park all day long.

   To the people who upload full movies to YouTube: Get a life…also, thank you.

   Making people uncomfortable really brightens up my day.