Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   The Swedish Chef is the greatest Muppet of all time. END OF DISCUSSION.

   The best relationships are the ones you didn't expect, the ones you didn't wish for, the ones you didn't plan and the ones you never saw coming.

   It's the little things that make life so beautiful, like when a baby steps on a cat and they both go apesh!t

   ''A married man is 4 times more likely to die during sex if his partner isn't his wife.'' Especially if his wife owns a gun.

   I don't spank my kid, I find waving the gun works so much better

   Who says potheads are lazy?? I know a lot of em have to wake up a half hour early just to get stoned.

   I hate people who say, “Talk to me I am bored”. STFU, do I look like I was put on this planet to entertain you?

   For Easter I'm gonna get really drunk and hide a whole bunch of eggs, wake up sober and have an Easter egg hunt with myself!

   You know your spelling and grammar has to be REALLY bad if Microsoft Word doesnt even have a clue as to what you are trying to say.

   I'm a second-hand-vegetarian. Cows eats grass. I eat cows.

   I saw a sign that said "Falling Rocks"....I tried it.....it doesn't.

   Apparently, it's illegal to set up deer stands..... especially at petting zoos, even during deer season.... Lesson learned.... next year I will set up at a non-petting zoo.

   I was calm, until you told me to calm down.

   Women find it rude if you blatantly want to sleep with them. But they find even ruder if you don't.

   No honey you are not fat. You are just too sexy that it overflows.

   Laugh and the world laughs with you. Keep laughing and they'll lock you up.

   I saw a bumper sticker today that said "I(heart) Duck"...it tastes like chicken. I said "No it doesn't". Then I realized I was talking to a bumper sticker.

   Sometimes you have to look back to see just how far you HAVE come. Dont dwell on the past. Things and people move into the past for a reason and do not make it into your present and future for a reason. You look back to gain perspective, not to gain doubt

   Sometimes relationships don't work out because of timing, but most of the time it's because someone is an as$hole.

   I think cops should yell "PICKACHUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" before they taze someone