Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   What's with all these Facebook quizzes? Does it look like I give a shlt about what type of chocolate I am?

   My mom found an issue of Bondage & Pain Magazine under my mattress when I was still living at home. She asked my dad what she should do... My dad said, "Well whatever you do, don't spank him!"

   A few simple tips: 1. Don't promise when you're happy. 2. Don't reply when you're angry. 3. Don't decide when you're sad.

   Q: How do you tell the difference between a Black Bear and a Grizzly Bear? A: The Black Bear smokes Newport's.

   If your girlfriend asks you to role play 'doctors and nurses' in the bedroom, don't diagnose her with down-syndrome. Trust me on this.

   To women over 40, a guy with a belly and a sense of humor is a great catch. A guy who's buff is considered a narcissist and a pole-smoker.

   If it smells like a salad and it tastes like a salad, there's still a good chance it's an organic vegan chocolate chip cookie

   Minivans with stick figure families let burglars know exactly how many adults, children, dogs, cats, turtles and fish they'll need to tie up.

   Fact: Men that drink wine coolers increase their chances of getting a yeast infection by 99.9999%.

   One Cup Of Coffee, A Dash Of Milk, and A Half Pound Of Sugar! Thats How I Roll!

   Girl was laughing when she saw my lil wee wee...You should have saw her face when I said GO GO GADGET

   believes the rooster came first.

   "ThInKs If you wRiTe like DiS" You need to go back to myspace. Its annoying. Grow up.

   Knows that excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first making the brain a faster more efficient machine. This is why I drink!

   Don't call me sugar, call me Splenda. I'm artificially sweet.

   I gave Mr. Potato Head some weed.Before I knew it,he was baked.

   So I just went shopping for a night stand. the chick tried to sell me two. I was like I only need one . She didnt get it. So I asked her out.

   Im Not The Girl Ur Mother Warned you About,,, Her Imagination Was Never This Good ;)

   thinks if adam and eve were chinese they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple!

   would like to say on this last day of Winter. Winter, Kiss my Mother F*#$ing A$$ and DON'T HURRY BACK!!!