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...If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now. 
We need a way of telling people they have bad breath without hurting their feelings.like,"Well I'm bored let's go brush our teeth"!
I walked a mile their shoes and I didn't end up carrying a flat screen 50" TV out of a closed store in Ferguson.
Some say chivalry is dead, but given the number of times I've held in a fart while getting a blow job, I'd say chivalry is alive & well.
When I saw my new girlfriend for the first time, it was like looking at a fine piece of priceless art. So I took her home and nailed her against the wall.
It may be the early bird that gets the worm. But it?s the second mouse that gets the cheese.
cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
Hey South Park... How about another episode making fun of Mohammed?
Recognizing Cuba, bastion of human oppression, is an insult to our noble allies in Saudi Arabia, Qatar, Yemen, Iraq, Pakistan and Texas.
CELEBRATING CAPS LOCK AWARENESS DAY
Every time a white guy sags his pants, somewhere in the world, a black baby grows up with a father.
7-eleven, mini-marts, and several gas stations will be closed this week due to a death in the family...
Women are like bacon: They look good, They smell good, They taste good, And they will kill you slowly.
Just remember, someone loves everything you hate about yourself.
beating his record for consecutive days alive !
If letting him bang me while I wear reindeer antlers and a painted red nose doesn't get him in the Christmas spirit nothing will!
Me - "Hey Whats up!" Her - "Nothing I feel sick" Me - "awe, why?" Her - "Im on my period..." (walk away slowly and dont say another word)
Hooters should start a home delivery service and call it Knockers.
Hollywood are already planning a movie about the life of Elizabeth Taylor. It's provisionally titled 'Eight Weddings and a Funeral'.
when I die my gravestone is going to have a "Like" button.
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