Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Jerry Sandusky will go from this (__*__) to this (__0__) very very soon!

   "Hey Let's agree to disagree, and then accomplish nothing as we focus on our reelections." -Congress

   Theres nothing quite as annoying as drunk fat girls.

   Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me.

   A rainy Friday is still better than a sunny Monday...

   I don't think golfers are real atheletes. None of them have sleeve tats...

   Paula Deen's signature dish: "Butter Sauteed in Butter Topped with a Buttery Melted Butter Glaze with a side of Butter Sticks dipped in Butter."

   My girlfriend is so silly. I'm looking at her phone and she's been sending all these sweet love messages and sexts to the wrong number as I never got any of them.

   I'm too sober for this sh*t

   I'm not big into Easter traditions, but I'm pretty sure drunkenly searching for an Egg McMuffin at this hour counts as Easter egg hunting.

   Why can't someone look at me the same way I look at pizza?

   It's not considered an accessory if your Chihuahua is prettier than you are.

   Apart from paying bills and feeling tired all the time, adulthood is not that great.

   No thats not SWAG, thats just an idiot who doesn't know what a belt is.

   I'm guessing that the end of Cowboys Vs. Aliens is predictable. Tony romo buckles under the pressure & throws an interception to the aliens

   People say "when your palm itches, you are going to receive money". My butt itches... I bet I don't get SH*T¡

   Boobs are the best hand warmers.

   Sometimes I'll play air bass instead of air guitar just to mess with people.

   A fun game to play at a party is to see how many pairs of socks you can sniff before the host asks you to leave.

   Whenever I say: "I'm as sober as a Judge" I'm talking about Paula Abdul.