Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If you want a stable relationship.. get a damn horse

   Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist? A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

   Dress the way you want to be Addressed

   Wife called, she said, "2 packages arrived today. The 1st was your PS3 and the 2nd is the new Rampant Rabbit vibrator we ordered. I can't wait for you to get home and play with me for hours." I said, "You'll be f*cking lucky, I only ordered 1 controller.

   Lets play post office... You lick and I'll deliver.

   For some reason, they dont seem to be marketing the Tickle Me Elmo as heavily this Christmas.

   BREAKING NEWS: Wal-Mart is now selling Justin Bieber CDs in the Garden Center. Right next to the Pansies.

   Dentist told me I need a crown. I was like, I KNOW, RIGHT??

   Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!

   I haven't done a taste test, but I'm pretty sure a bleached butthole tastes the same as a regular butthole.

   In the rest of the world, it’s called “football,” but in America it’s called “Let’s see what else is on TV.”

   A drunk walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, "You can stay but don't try to start anything."

   Teach your kids about taxes and social security by taking 30% of their Halloween candy and promising to give part of it back in 70 years.

   BREAKING NEWS: North Korea shoots sky...... Misses.

   If a bear tries to attack you in the woods, give it your bicycle. Maybe it's one of those circus bears, you never know.

   If I opened a strip club I would have the girls wear BBQ scented perfumes. So when guys came home they could say they were at a Steak House.

   You know you are addicted to Facebook when you log off Facebook..... turn your computer off.... go to bed, roll over & put the covers on you and log onto your Facebook from your phone one last time for the night.

   Alanis Morissette should have had one hand in her pocket, and the other one Googling the correct usage of the word ironic.

   I wish I could trade my heart for another liver.. So I could drink more and care less

   I flirted with disaster last night. Now disaster won't stop texting me.