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My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall. And I plan on sticking to it. 
The brownies I started making in my sisters Easy Bake Oven in 1977 are just about ready if you guys want one.
Do you always fist bump the cashier whenever your card doesn't get declined? Yeah, me neither. Good talk.
Dude, you need a Field Goal, two Touchdowns, and two Two-Point Conversions just to take this to overtime. That's impossible! Brady: Hold my beer.
I decided to start calling my bathroom the Jim instead of the John. That way I can tell everyone that the first thing I do every morning is go to the Jim.
This Crazy lady with Mad Road rage was yelling out her window at me this morning before work.... "I'm gonna make your life a living hell" ...I yelled back, "Thanks but I'm already married."
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
starting to feel like she is just a character in some other planets Sims game, and the stairs for the swimming pool have been removed...HELP!
Why can I not stop watching the Food Network?
It may look like i'm doing nothing but at the cellular level i'm actually quite busy.
to quit looking at my status
...thinks animal testing is a terrible idea. they get all nervous and give the wrong answers anyway
have you ever noticed that there are some people that don't need to be on facebook. They either inadvertenly cause drama, or they are prone to the late night drunken facebook status updates
Amazon always recommends me the things I bought, I mean dude why would I want the same or similar thing again
I wonder how we really know that hard work never killed anybody, when the only reliable witness may be dead?
I don't understand some elevator people... Do you really think pushing the elevator button more than once makes it move faster?
you wanna know how to frustrate half the population in an instant?.... NEW facebook!!"
I see nothing but continued growth and expansion for the foreseeable future... but enough about my diet.
I hate racsism. Racsism is a crime, and crime is for blck people 