Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Q: What do you get when you cross a Pirate and a Pedophile? A: Arrrr Kelly

   The difference between men and women is that men insult each other but don't really mean it and women compliment each other but don't really mean it.

   If you ever feel like air-drumming while driving always play a Def Leppard song. That way you can still keep one hand on the wheel.

   If anyone wants to come and talk about why my heating bills are sky high - the door is always open

   The true definition of patriotism: check out the canadians singing their nation anthem when the NBA finals is played in Canada.

   Billion dollar Idea: Pepperoni staples for when the cheese keeps sliding off your pizza

   I hope the aliens from Area 51 don't escape. I don't want to pay for their healthcare too.

   And the Terrible joke award goes to: An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

   Adults in the wold read this symbol # as pound and women name a movement againt sexual harassment #metoo.

   Today I heard a guy on the street say, 'It's chowder season, baby!' so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words

   I'm a proud member of the LGBT community: Liquor, Girls, Baseball and Tacos.

   My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall. And I plan on sticking to it.

   The brownies I started making in my sisters Easy Bake Oven in 1977 are just about ready if you guys want one.

   Do you always fist bump the cashier whenever your card doesn't get declined? Yeah, me neither. Good talk.

   Dude, you need a Field Goal, two Touchdowns, and two Two-Point Conversions just to take this to overtime. That's impossible! Brady: Hold my beer.

   I decided to start calling my bathroom the Jim instead of the John. That way I can tell everyone that the first thing I do every morning is go to the Jim.

   This Crazy lady with Mad Road rage was yelling out her window at me this morning before work.... "I'm gonna make your life a living hell" ...I yelled back, "Thanks but I'm already married."

   If you ask me, NASCAR would be much more entertaining if the drivers had as much to drink as the fans.

   The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll

   Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.