Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Husband and wife are in bed watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire". The husband asks for sex. The wife says, "No." Her husband asks, "Is that your final answer?" She responds, "Yes." He says, "Then, Id like to phone a friend."

   I was addicted to Tide Pods.....but I'm clean now.

   Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account

   I successfully said "Worcestershire sauce" today!

   i wear a mask when I sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway

   Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”

   Some people dream of doing great things with their lives, my dream is to have an alpaca named Al Pacacino.

   Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

   Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

   I slept under the Christmas tree once when I was 9 waiting for Santa. And once when I was 35 waiting for the room to stop spinning.

   My girl and I decided never to go to sleep angry at each other. We’ve been awake since Friday

   Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.

   Wanna know why there's power outages in Texas, Carol F-ing Baskin

   Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.

   I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.

   On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.

   [first day as a 911 operator] me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency

   Because of Shania Twain I haven't been impressed much since 1997.

   Mueler's Russian roundup may soon come to an end.

   DOCTOR: why do you think you need this medication? ME: I saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome