Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Blind man walks into a bar.... And a table, and a chair.

   With a gentle stroke he wipes her tears away, and accidentally her eyebrows

   I want to push all your buttons. Starting with mute.

   When you tell a lie, think of it as peeing in the pool. Let it out slow. Don’t let facial expressions give you away.

   You can get away with anything at Costco if you wear a hairnet

   I know what you did this upcoming summer...................................... *NSA

   I don't talk to myself. My dog is generally around.

   You know you're getting old when everything either dries up or leaks

   I have to be careful. I have an image to protect. You know, the one where I appear to be listening to what you say.

   the reason I use condoms is because children have the odd habit of bringing home fundraising forms.

   Self Control is not smacking 2 girls arguing over which filter to use before Instagraming a pic of their Pumpkin Spice Latte.

   When your dreams turn to dust....its time to vacuum.

   My goal on Saturday is to spend the maximum amount of time being horizontal as possible.

   I don't care if you think I'm crazy. Life is too short to be normal!

   I'm not just great in bed. I'm great other places, too.

   Wait, it's "let it go"? I thought it was, "If you love something, drop it off a building." Boy, have I been doing that wrong.

   So confused right now, don't know whether to join a gym or buy Photoshop.

   This day needs a Vodka filled tsunami.

   You're definitely doing something wrong if you have had more eX's than you have had O's in your life.

   Always look for the good in everyone… if you can't find it, you probably need another drink.