Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I get it ladies, I had abs before I had kids too.

   We had the kind of love that lasted till our phones died.

   @simoncholland: Favorite part of Facebook is people believing 1.3 billion divided by 300 million = 4.3 million WHEN THERE IS A CALCULATOR ON THEIR PHONE!

   My plan for today? Same as always: Drink coffee and be sexy.

   Shoutout to uteruses, the original 3-D printers.

   $5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...

   Never ever trust a person who doesn't like dogs.

   Don't worry Paul McCartney, I have been refused entry into night clubs too.

   Adele: Hello. Lionel Richie : Hello is it me you're looking for? Pink Floyd : Hello. Hello. Is anybody in there? Me: This conference call sucks.

   Well, I learned this week that ya don't buy your Parmesan at the Dollar Tree.

   Times co-worker has mentioned she's a vegan today: 6. Times I've asked: 0.

   If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime" just say "I'm ready to hang out right now" and watch them panic.

   Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.

   Best grilled cheese ever!! All I did was add a hamburger patty.

   Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.

   The 13 year old girl I was chatting with just told me she is a police officer. Amazing.....she's only 13 and already has a strong work ethic..

   I'm starting to think this is the last season of America and the writers are going insanely nuts.

   Can't wait for Game of Thrones. During this election it'll be refreshing to watch people competing for a crown in a more civilized way.

   Women are the only people who can go out to bar broke but come home drunk.

   I'm getting kind of tired always slowly raising my hand when someone asks, "Who does something like that?"