Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   my girlfriend called me a useless druggie today. I almost fell off my unicorn.

   Run faster I hear banjos!!!!

   Yeah, its nice you wanna tell me about yourself, your life is an open book. But how about we skip to the chapter where we hook up.

   Download this software? Do you Agree? Are you sure? Well, the more times you ask me if I'm sure the less sure I am.

   "Hello Wednesday morning....for a moment, I thought you were your friend, Friday! Forgive the disappointed look!"

   they say a way to a mans heart is through his stomach, but with this knife I know a shortcut through the chest which ain't far from it.

   A new study shows that licking the sweat off a frog can cure depression. The down side is, the minute you stop licking, the frog gets depressed again

   wondering who ever came up with the saying "taking candy from a baby" as being something easy. I don't think they have ever tried it. I would rather take a salmon from a grizzly.

   not in a good mood, but I'll fake it 'til I make it.

   And then I was all like: "I'm really getting sick of your sh*t." And then she was all like: "To speak with a representative please say representative..." UGH!!

   There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it.

   thinks that losing someone you love is like losing a limb. You take it for granted when you have it but one day it is gone and you are devastated but you eventually learn to cope without it and then function "normal" again.

   I'm not opinionated, you're just always wrong!

   has advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

   The good thing about Alzheimer is that you meet new people every day.

   supports the health cares 10% tax addition to tanning.....as long as I dont have to be the one to tell the cast of Jersey Shore.

   There are two rules for success: #1. Don't tell all you know.

   Know your limitations people! Just because the item says "one size fits all" doesn't mean you should try to fit your big a$$ in to it....just sayin'

   The only way you have a 12 incher is when you leave Subway!!!

   I did not celebrate Valentines Day but instead chose to celebrate the Chinese New Year... and its the year of the Tiger and my god what a year it has been for the man!!