Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   The liquor store. The dollar store. The court house. Top three places where you hope no one notices you.

   Just seen a April Fools jokes saying, "Justin Bieber found dead in a hotel room." You should never joke about death of a little girl.

   Ladies: If "snuggling" is so important to you, have the guy do that BEFORE you have sex. Trust me...... He'll snuggle and snuggle and snuggle...

   If you're wondering what your girlfriend would look like as a blow-up doll, watch her put mascara on.

   New rule: If you hold the door open for someone and then they just walk by without saying “thanks”, then you're granted one attempt at trying to trip them. >:)

   People ask me if I live my life on the edge. Well, let's just say I'm the kind of guy who eats apples without washing them first.

   Don't forget to set your clocks back to a time when you believed dreams came true!

   The more neighbors I spy on through my binoculars, the creepier I think all my neighbors are!

   How come Mario can smash bricks with his head, but when he touches a turtle he dies

   Cello Green has T-Rex arms.

   My brother Bob gets mad when someone spells his name backward... I think he inherited that from mom. Or maybe dad.

   When people with lisps say "Bithneth", you know they mean business.

   I've been making the same mistakes in life for so long, I should just call them traditions!

   I once went on a date with a homeless girl... the only good thing about it was when the date was over I could just drop her off anywhere.

   I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.

   Survivor would be a cooler show if only one contestant remained alive at the end of the season and that was the prize.

   You know society is screwed up when a 10-year-old girl worries more about her weight than where her friends are hiding.

   It's hard to be optimistic about the future when you go to YouTube and see how many people videotape their TV.

   I took a taste from the bag of white powder I found in my son's backpack and my worst fears were realized. Gymnastic chalk.

   They should put mini M&M's inside regular ones and make M&M's Pregnants.