Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   $100 - Roses, $50 - Dinner, $75 - Hotel, Knowing I saved that money this year - Priceless

   Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there!...WITH A BOTTLE OF TEQUILA!! Crap, didn't work.

   Everyone keeps talking about a civil war. A key detail everyone keeps forgetting...one side has 8 trillion bullets and the other doesn't know which bathroom to use.

   If there is a hand on each shoulder, it's not a prostate exam.

   Ladies, if what you did to him cannot be fixed with a blow job then I suggest you better start looking for a new boyfriend.

   Women: When it comes to doggie style...men are behind you 100%

   My New Year's Resolution is to be less funny on Facebook, and more cryptic and dramatic instead. By the way, today was the WORST Day EVER!

   Does anybody know today's date?

   If my roof ever catches on fire, I'll have trouble not repeating myself when I call 911.

   Im not crazy, my reality is just different then yours. :)

   If my fridge smells like fish, but I don't have any fish in it...that's a problem, right?

   Everyone relax - astrology is still total bullsh*t.

   Confucius says ....well nothing anymore actually. The man has been dead since 479 BC!

   Just put my hands in the freezer to warm them up.

   never steal... the goverment hates competition!

   That runaway oil well in the Gulf of Mexico continues to gush about 200,000 gallons of oil a day. To put that into perspective: That's the equivalent of about ten buckets of K.F.C.

   Today, I saw a commercial for the Snuggie. I thought it was stupid idea, but I couldn't change the channel because I was under a blanket and I didn't want my arms to get cold...

   Ladies, we need to sitdown and have a talk about these painted on eyebrows yall be wearin..

   Justin Bieber's from Canada dumbass! Your play England

   Some people say I'm too random for their liking. But who cares, bacon is amazing.