Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If you ever need anything... call someone else first. If they aren't able to help you... then try calling someone else!

   Dear Winter, I am breaking up with you. It's not me, It's you, you make me miserable. I think it's time I start seeing other seasons. you wouldn't by chance have the phone number of your hot cousin Summer?

   Was asked if I really believe in zombies. I informed him that no, zombies are not real and that its just a pop culture thing. He then walked away pleased with answer I had given him. Now I can't wait to see the look on his face when the next zombie outbre

   A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, 'What would Jesus do?', so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.

   Ugh,, There's a SPIDER in my toilet,,, And I don't even remember eating a spider...

   Who else was scared sh*tless of Unsolved Mysteries when you were little?

   said it before and I say it again: Ive said it before and say it again ...

   I'm starting a sarcasm club. It would mean the world to me if you joined.

   I finally got around to reading 50 Shades of Grey and I don't see what the big deal is.....I mean its no different then all of the other Sherwin Williams brochures that I've looked through......

   WebMD says this thing on my back is called a Wife, and, left untreated, it is usually fatal.

   The girl opposite me on the bus is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I'm done picking my nose, I'm gonna smile and say hello.

   My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker, Well, she's not actually my girlfriend yet.

   Its funny the way guys come out of the woodwork when a girl on Facebook turns "single". Commenting and liking everything.

   Yoda could never get married because every time he announce his vows he replies "Do I?"

   Watching wrestling. Kinda tired of hearing the fans yell "WHAT???" That catchphrase was old years ago. DAMN YOU STEVE AUSTIN! ;) ;) ;)

   How many BBQ's do I have to get drunk at to prove I love America????

   Raid should make suppositories for all the people with bugs up their asses.

   You said you would go out with me only if it were our last day on earth... my pickup line tonight

   "I'm coming".........The two words, no matter how or when used, women usually lie about.

   It definitely takes a lot of courage to stand up to your enemies but it takes a whole lot more to stand up to your friends...or to yourself.