Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles

   I'll have a Cafe-Moca-Vodka-Valium-Latte to go please...

   Found out today that you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jellyroll stain. Sorry, fat stranger.

   Victoria's Secret just launched a new bra called Netherlands. It has a lot of support, but no cup!!!!

   Wal-mart employee-"can I help you"? Me-"do you have anything i'd like". Employee-"how would I know what you'd like"? Me-"you started this".

   Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only. Come on let's get this thing done.

   My wife says I'm a clueless idiot. I didn't even know I had a wife.

   I am more convinced than ever that we are fast approaching the idiocracy...that epochal tipping point in our development, where stupid people set the agenda for humanity

   P0rn is so unrealistic. There is no way in hell a guy with a ponytail would own a house that nice.

   Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

   I was meditating this morning... ok actually I was sitting on my bed and starring 20 minutes at the wall... but it still counts

   When the apocalypse comes soy sauce & ketchup packets WILL be our currency. Otherwise I've been collecting these for nothing

   I've been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree

   If you can read, thank a teacher. If you can read in English, thank a soldier.

   "Hey baby, do you smell that?" "No." "Me neither, start cooking."

   The best curve on a woman is her smile :) ...No I'm just kidding, it's her boobs.

   ♫ All in all, it's just a... nother post on my wall. ♫

   : Santa Claus reported his naughty girls list stolen, Police comfirm Tiger Woods is the prime suspect.

   A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have kill you too.

   If I won the lottery I wouldn't quit my job. However, I would test the limits of misbehaving until they fired me :) __ I'll call this wish #473.