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Does the Food Network deliver? 
People who throw foreign words into conversations to make themselves appear cultured are küntz
There should be a Fresh Prince reunion where Will Smith plays himself and rest of them are unemployed.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests,,, Cause you gonna be gettin your expired baby food and single ply diapers there after anyway.
'I'm wearing yoga pants', is the new 'I'm not wearing any panties'
I am all for self-belief, self-worth, self-esteem but a woman declaring herself hot and complementing herself on her own beauty smacks of serious desperation, delusion and self-conceit.
Parenting: negotiating with terrorists every single minute of every single day for the rest of your miserable life.
I don't carry a gun, but I do carry an uncomfortable amount of eye contact.
Ladies, if you ever get a big ego because a lot of guys want to get with you, just remember this, some guys have been known to get it on with farm animals.
My contribution to mother earth is not to waste water cleaning glasses when I can drink straight from the bottle
Talk to your kids about marijuana. Maybe they have a higher grade than you do.
It’s so embarrassing when you say, "I love you, too," only to realize the person was waving to someone behind you.
When you realize Charles Manson is getting more play than you!
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.
I'm leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
Girl rule. A girl will only compliment another girl that is uglier than they are.
I really like the people who say; "60 is the new 40" because I know if I borrow $60 from them, all I have to pay back is $40.
Dear women, We don't speak 'hint'. Yours truly, Men
That 1/4 mile of blindness, before the defrost kicks in...
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