Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Today, I saw a Proactive commercial with Justin Bieber as the spokesperson. Don't you have to go through puberty to have acne?

   People always tell me that I should follow my dreams. Last night, I had that dream where I was in school, but I was naked in front of the whole class. Off I go! I might need bail money.

   I have a cold. it makes my voice sound like a sexy pirate."

   Cool slogan for the new Facebook movie: "See it with someone you never talked to in high school."

   The A/C in my office isn't working and has now officially become an employee.

   loves a man in uniform, unless he's in my rearview mirror.

   Funny how people get easily buzzed about the new iphone and droid phones. Meanwhile, China and Japan are sitting back laughing at us with their better (possible) 5G phones.

   Woke up naked in a Quick Lube. I'm on the lift. No sign of my car. This can't be good.

   wants to be in a relationship with Captain Morgan and live on Parrot Bay

   There's gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to "Baby Got Back."

   Oh the weather outside is frightful, but my scotch is so delightful

   starting to think that Santa's just not that into me...

   The Socialist just endorsed the Corrupt Socialist for President.

   I doubt most of these rioters even remember all of the amazing riots and protest violence that happened when President Obama was elected President ..... Oh wait ... there weren't any .... Ever.

   I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.

   "We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.

   Some life lessons are so profound; you only need to do them one time. Putting Icy Hot on my balls, for example …

   My Dad just called to give me the "I'm worried about your drinking" talk. We are going to meet-up and discuss it over a few beers.

   “Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.

   I'm running out of ways to not hit people.