Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   You know you got it bad when you steal WiFi from a church.

   Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please, take them off.

   I get re-pissed about an old situation whenever I have a flashback about it.

   sometimes watch birds and wonder “If I could fly who would I sh*t on?”

   Old: Can I buy you a drink? New : I'll give you fourteen dollars for your phone number.

   The only time I have a drinking problem is when I have to close my tab at the end of the night.

   I only "chase" women from the couch to the bedroom.

   I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn't reach very far.

   The more you learn, the more you know. The more you know, the more you forget. The more you forget, the less you know. So...why learn?

   still very much single! So is now taking applications if you think your suitable for the position apply here the pay is terrible but the benefits are great...

   it just me, or do those Stouffer's French Bread pizzas burn the sh%t out of the roof of your mouth too?

   Insomnia causes questionable browser history.

   If you want to talk to me send me a message in my inbox, don't broadcast it on my wall for everyone else to see. Thank you.

   The DC Earthquake was caused by direct reverberations from the opposite side of the Earth. It's from China jumping up and down in anger when they realized they're not gonna get their money back.

   Who ever made up the term "marital bliss" probably was the same genius who made up other phrases like military intelligence, pretty ugly, and authentic reproduction.

   Having a dog is like having an alarm system that stains your floors.

   They say you never forget your first love and it's true, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about beer.

   I just went downstairs and my roommate is watching American Idol. I am not saying the show is bad or anything, but sometimes I think it would be fun to be in the audience with a toilet plunger and a crossbow.

   I can always tell when it is Senior Citizen Discount Day at the grocery near my house. All the blue parking spaces are double parked.

   the phone in the guy's hand next to me rang, it sounded like my alarm clock, I yelled f**k and smacked it out of his hand on pure reflex