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If I ever get arrested, my one phone call will be to the police station to do a bomb scare. I'm not spending the night there 
I care more about the reception being an open bar than whether you marry same sex
When I order delivery online and there's a "Notes" box I put "Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON"
heres an idea...Duck Dynasty Chia Pets
It's amazing how a little p0rn, masturbation, and a 20 minute nap can change your disposition.
Like if the T Mobile commercial gets your attention because you thought you heard "Walking in an Orgy Wonderland"!! Gets me every time!!
You made me laugh so hard, tears ran down my leg.
Whenever I see a grown man on a bicycle, I can't help but think DUI.
Have you ever done it kitty style? It's like doggy style, but with purring, scratching and biting.
I've just finished designing a new line of T-shirts,,,, The T-shirts were first tested on animals.........they didn't fit
I think we all know, the first time he Tebows in New York, somebody will steal his wallet.
Life is like a roll of toilet paper. It goes a lot faster when you get close to the end.
There is no worse bicthassness than snapping and blowing up on someone who hasn't done you any wrong simply because your miserable and pathetic life is stressing you out.
Nothing makes me want a relationship to fail more than matching profile pictures.
The "Its Complicated" status on Facebook is referring to women in general, right?
When you love someone age , distance , height . weight is just a damn number .
It does't matter if you're a man or woman: if you haven't got a date for Valentines Day, either way, you'll end up with a box of tissues!!!
Before I eat chips, I have to look in the bag for a perfect one
When anyone says to me "I need to talk to you", every bad thing I've ever done in my life flashes before my eyes
nobody likes a stalker. it's what this chick was saying as I read her lips through my binoculars
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