Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Kim and Kanye can now take baby North to visit Grandma and Tranpa!

   Whitney Houston found dead in the tub, her daughter found unresponsive in a bathtub, maybe that family should start taking showers.

   What idiot named it toilet paper instead of crapkins

   Shout out to all the females that are gonna be on their period on Valentines Day.

   If I give a chick my heart and she CHEAT i'm going to leave our sex tape on her parents front door and label it "FAMILY REUNION"

   Whatever, England. Our Kate had eight children.

   While you make her cry, another guy listens, understands her and makes her feel special. But you are not worried because you think and believe she only likes him as a friend forgetting that a shoulder to cry on can quickly turn into a d*ck to ride on.

   Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees. Apparently she’d stood him up.

   I like to wear Grocery store uniforms and tell homeless people that I'm there to repo the shopping cart.

   Nobody can't 'except' you are a very spiritual person but I'm sure a few could 'accept' it.

   Inventor of the bar code dies at 91. Several burial attempts will be made before a manager is called to enter him into the ground manually.

   I can almost always tell if a movie doesn't use Real dinosaurs...

   The girl in line behind me at the store was taking duck face pics with her phone. I didn't have any bread crumbs on me so I hit that b%$ch in the face with a loaf of french bead.

   When our NATION would rather argue about whether or not Bert and Ernie are gay (hand puppets) and not address the fact that we are economical​ly in a disaster!!​ Then I must say enough is enough and we have failed as a leading powerful country!!

   My little sister's password for the Disney website is “MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto” I asked her why, she said “They told me to use 4 characters”

   refuseing to joke about Steve Jobs. One, because you're expecting it. Two, because I'm a good friend of his brother Blow. RIP Steve Jobs.

   I've given up looking for my soulmate. Just looking for a holemate now.

   I always found it ironic when the president of a nation who leads the world in global arms sales speaks out against gun violence.

   And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that's where I unfollowed you.

   Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drink get colder. Music gets louder. Night get longer. Life gets Better.