Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   does not see the justification why we often have to deal with temporary inconveniences that are created by permanently incompetent minds..

   The only real reason I would want a daughter, would be to punch a teenage boy in the face.

   OK, the coast is clear; you can stop acting normal now.

   As a kid my Mom would remind me that you can get killed crossing the street. At some point it sounded like a suggestion.

   I didn't see a friend's day video of Ross, Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, & Chandler

   Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they're special.

   Fact: You wish Facebook had the middle finger button.

   Look on the bright side insomniacs, at least your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

   My Guardian Angel be like "I'm gonna lose my job and end up in hell with this mother f*cker..."

   Caller ID should be more specific. It should say things like, "Needs to borrow money" or "Will whine about petty stuff".

   A single kind word or a photo of your boobs can make somebody's day.

   *calls up Domino's. . . WHY WOULD YOU CUT MY PIZZA SO UNEVENLY? . . YOU'RE TEARING MY FAMILY APART !

   This is odd?!?! The hour we lost this weekend was the one when I was planning to go to the gym.

   the S or the C silent in the word scent?

   How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!!!

   IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got.

   I don't care if you're male or female as long as you fill the paper roll the right way. Oh, and make sure the seat is down...

   Please stop calling us your “squad,” Linda; this is book club.

   I got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently its wrong to yell "SHOTGUN" before boarding a plane.

   Memorial Day Weekend is coming up and Summer is just around the corner. I can tell because the UPS guy asked me to put sun block on his legs.