Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I work as a waiter. The pay isn’t great but I put food on the table.

   For the past month I have woken up to find hundreds of flowers with no heads all over my doorstep, garden and drive. I think I’m being stalked

   No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you'll get at the way people park in the real word.

   Just saw a lady walking down the street who looked like she was made out of 80% boot and 20% scarf.

   What am I supposed to do with all this coal?

   This bird flu thing is still pretty scary. I spent an hour last night rubbing Vicks Vapo-rub on my parakeet.

   How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?

   Pringles chips tubes need to be more like push pops we have the technology

   My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.

   IS: We are reluctantly laying off all suicide bombers , due to insufficient crowd sizes.

   I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe

   Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

   Remember when eating tide pods was considered crazy

   I read somewhere that people in the Middle Ages celebrated the end of the plague with orgies. I wonder if anyone has planned anything after this epidemic?

   Time to take off you Hoser. God speed Bob and Doug Mckenzie

   I can usually figure out many parties I've been to lately by counting the extra lighters I woke up with in my pocket.

   A word to the wise ain't necessary it's the stupid ones that need the advice

   apperently the world is ending today.....just got my surf gear ready....just in case that tsunami decides to come.....have to ride that shyt before I die :D......LOL

   A fool is a wise man's ladder.

   Our inner demons would get along wonderfully.