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A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!" 
Life's too short to wonder why I have no pants on while hugging you. Don't make this awkward.
Hey if you guys see a chameleon, it's mine. If you don't, that ones mine too.
"Oh no, no, no! I'm a rocket man!" ~ KimJong Ung
[Leaving the drive thru] Fries: Can’t you even wait until you get home? Stop that. I said stop! Noooo...
I realized I wasn't my parents favorite kid when they ask me to help blow up ballonns for my twin brother's surprise birthday party.
Every time I get a headache I imagine it's because someone wants me to get in bed with them.
Hey, if it doesn't work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?
Be the reason someone smiles today
Can't talk right now. I am interfering in the local high school student gov't election.
If you lend a friend some money and you never see them again. It probably was worth it.
I just saw an elderly couple kissing passionately and I thought to myself, I want that... ...to stop immediately.
Maybe when God was creating the centipede he fell asleep with his elbow on the Leg button
I've noticed that if you remove the vowels from the word "FEMALE" it spells FML.
You know it's going to be a crappy day when it starts with sneezing while brushing your teeth
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.
It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .
“It’s the little things in life that make you laugh,” my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets at Walmart.
You know you're ugly when my dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg. 