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I always close my eyes when I kiss a girl .... Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a heck of a lot more pepper spray in them. 
Do we lazy people go to hell OR do they send someone to pick us up?
Apparently you will need a firearm license before purchasing the Note 7 replacement
I work as a waiter. The pay isn’t great but I put food on the table.
For the past month I have woken up to find hundreds of flowers with no heads all over my doorstep, garden and drive. I think I’m being stalked
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you'll get at the way people park in the real word.
Just saw a lady walking down the street who looked like she was made out of 80% boot and 20% scarf.
Bad news, A friend of mine fell into a reupholstering machine. Good news, Hes now recovered.
Reverse cowgirl, cause eye contact is extra.
I wish they would stop making things out of unicorns, , those things are already almost extinct
n’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and another that’s like “I don’t know how to hold a pencil"
Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you've gone Commando a few times in your life.
If I ever get stranded on a Dessert Island, I hope it’s a Cherry Cheesecake.
Dear History Channel: I remember when you used to have stuff about History. -MTV
I've decided to invest in fine art. I don't really know much about art though; I'm just in it for the Monet.
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"
Life's too short to wonder why I have no pants on while hugging you. Don't make this awkward.
Hey if you guys see a chameleon, it's mine. If you don't, that ones mine too.
"Oh no, no, no! I'm a rocket man!" ~ KimJong Ung
It’s funny to me when a cop says “you know why I pulled you over?” As if I’m gonna snitch myself out, or possibly get it wrong and end up with two charges 