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I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago. 
Mrs. Claus: *opens door* you’ve been in here working on the naughty list all day Santa Claus: *fumbling to close his internet browser* I need PRIVACY please
Friend: I think I smell burnt toast Me: that’s awesome! You don’t have Covid
I want this Valentines Day to be special.... Just give me a hint.... Tell me what will make you happy..... I’ll do anything.. *me, talking to my dogs
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
What's better than a 5 hour energy? A 2 hour nap!!
It’s funny to me when a cop says “you know why I pulled you over?” As if I’m gonna snitch myself out, or possibly get it wrong and end up with two charges
I hate new relationships. Now I have to act like I'm not crazy for 90 days.
Judging from the size of Popeye's forearms, I'm guessing that Olive Oyl didn't put out much.
Seriously, if the earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off of it by now.
But on the plus side, I'm completely immune to flash-bang grenades - Helen Keller
I found a real money maker in selling homing pigeons....... So far this month I sold mine 4 times.
Take the hint people...... Earbuds are a do not disturb sign.
"You're never too old to learn something stupid."
What do I remember about the midget
that attacked me.
Very little.
Have you ever lost your sunglasses on top of your head?…me neither…
If I've learned anything in my 23 years on earth, it's that it's okay to lie about your age.
They say to write what you know. Chapter One: Farts
Daylight savings is great because we gain an hour of trying to figure out what time it is. 