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Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood. 
If Santa Claus had a FB account,,,, none of us would get presents.
Putin has an 82% approval rating. The other 18% will be dead soon.
The only person excited to find out about Hillary's Body Double is Bill Clinton.
I always close my eyes when I kiss a girl .... Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a heck of a lot more pepper spray in them.
Do we lazy people go to hell OR do they send someone to pick us up?
Apparently you will need a firearm license before purchasing the Note 7 replacement
I work as a waiter. The pay isn’t great but I put food on the table.
For the past month I have woken up to find hundreds of flowers with no heads all over my doorstep, garden and drive. I think I’m being stalked
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you'll get at the way people park in the real word.
Just saw a lady walking down the street who looked like she was made out of 80% boot and 20% scarf.
Oh baby, I can't wait to get you alone and see what you look like without a mask
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy. I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
All the leaves on my yard look like all the lotto tickets I bought in my life.
Anybody else feel that their calculator history is more embarrassing then their browsing history?
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales. 