Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.

   Mrs. Claus: *opens door* you’ve been in here working on the naughty list all day Santa Claus: *fumbling to close his internet browser* I need PRIVACY please

   Friend: I think I smell burnt toast Me: that’s awesome! You don’t have Covid

   I want this Valentines Day to be special.... Just give me a hint.... Tell me what will make you happy..... I’ll do anything.. *me, talking to my dogs

   You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word

   Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.

   What's better than a 5 hour energy? A 2 hour nap!!

   [Returning a mattress] ME: Yes, I was told this was king size, but my child is 3 feet tall and somehow takes up all of it.

   Her: "Undress me with your words." Him: "There's a spider in your bra."

   I don't know about you, I could have done without Adam's wardrobe malfunction...

   The only thing Flat-Earthers have to fear is sphere itself.

   Was kind of surprised at all the swearing when I unplugged the church organ to charge my phone?

   All of a sudden my news feed looks like a nursing home

   OMG you guys!! I have abs . . . . . . ...olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

   Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal

   It’s funny to me when a cop says “you know why I pulled you over?” As if I’m gonna snitch myself out, or possibly get it wrong and end up with two charges

   I hate new relationships. Now I have to act like I'm not crazy for 90 days.

   Judging from the size of Popeye's forearms, I'm guessing that Olive Oyl didn't put out much.

   Seriously, if the earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off of it by now.

   But on the plus side, I'm completely immune to flash-bang grenades - Helen Keller