Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   It only takes a second to show a person how much you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...

   Few things stress me out as much as a waiter who doesn't write the order down.

   Cool Facts: Music can help reduce chronic pain by more than 20% and can alleviate depression by up to 25%. Unless you listen to Adelle... then all bets are off!

   Problems in your relationship? There's a blow job for that.

   The reality is men have no idea what women want... and women have no idea what women want

   Jack "THE" Ripper and Winnie "THE" Pooh have the same middle name. Coincidence? I think not...

   Whatever Dude..I say That By eating this vodka with a spoon it officially becomes a soup and is therefore healthy..... So Kiss Off

   You only live once, so don't forget to spend 16 hours every day on the internet, desperately searching for the validation of strangers.

   Camping - Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes

   There is no way I'm getting my wife a gun because there is no way I'm not getting shot with that gun. Buying my wife a gun is sort of like me saying, 'You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise.

   What's with this latest trend of using a picture of your child as a profile pic? Makes it seem as though 65% of my friends are under three years old.

   I call my bedroom 'the place where the magic happens' because it's where I make my self-respect disappear.

   it's ok if you disagree with me, I can't force you to be right.

   When I don't know the answer, I never say "I don't know", because that will make me seem stupid. Instead I say "I hesitate to factually articulate in fear I may deviate upon the highest degree of accuracy."

   after today the rest of the world will get "FOUR MORE YEARS!" without having to hear about the US election.

   No matter how useless you feel, take pleasure in the fact that you're someone's reason to masturbate.

   My new dentist didn't even make me take off my pants, I don't think he's a real dentist.

   Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they truly are.

   Rachel Jeantel is the new Kato Kaelin.

   I hate arrogant people. It's like they think they're better than everyone. No one is better than me.