Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   There are over 4 million workplace injuries reported every year... play it safe and call in sick tomorrow.

   Thinking about writing a book on Mormon cults. Will title it, "Always the Bride, Never the Bridesmaid."

   So the Queen of England Finally goes to Ireland after many years to help heal old wounds and whats the most important thing the Irish have to show her!?!?!??! how to pour a perfect pint of guinness!!! CLASSIC....stay Irish my friends!!!

   You should like yourself because that is the only person you have to spend the rest of your life with.

   Chicks dig it when I stretch out before showing off my dart skills.

   If you truly love someone you roll down the window to scoop out the fart you put in the car.

   getting suspicious of my wife. Every time I come home early our parrot yells, Quick, Out the window.

   Rather than throwing four separate birthday parties for my kids I decided to combine the money and get my windows tinted. Sweet.

   What doesn't kill you makes you pour a stronger drink.

   You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that s hit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

   When I die, I want My body to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume

   When someone doesn't like the taste of peanut butter I question their loyalty to the United States.

   My money is on Adam Sandler playing the pissed uncle.

   I am a kleptomaniac, and when it gets really bad I take something for it.

   The Sleep Number bed commercial came on & the spokeswoman asked "So what's YOUR sleep number?" I hollered out "80 proof."

   apparently my wife and I weren't on the same page with what she wanted for Mother's Day. Who knew there was more than one kind of "facial"?

   Every time I give up something for Lent... my friends encourage me to break it... When I give up alcohol, they buy me drinks... when I give up sweets, they bring me candy... so this year I am giving up sleeping with women...

   my favorite recipe calls for 2 cups of bacon, a tablespoon of bacon, and a dash of bacon.

   Why do they waste so much money on all the checkout lanes at Walmart, when they only have two of them open at any given time.

   Bad things happen to good people, so I'm pretty sure we're all safe