Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Sorry to hear about the whole “losing your mind thing.” But I know you pretty well and I don't think you'll miss it.

   An office Christmas party is not a good time to ask the boss for a raise. Wait until the next day when you have pictures

   I expected the Eagles to loss. All the birds are dying anyway...makes perfect sense.

   How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.

   I always laugh at myself. If I didn't, everyone else would be having fun without me.

   Cold poptart and instant coffee = The breakfast of champions that wake up really late for work.

   One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions

   If there is a window of opportunity ... why the hell does it knock? Shouldn't it be a door? No wonder so many people miss opportunities. They answer the door, not the window.

     When they say "instant credit," they actually mean "instant debt"!

   I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet...

   Don't EVER fight for someone who wouldn't damn fight for you.

   If you're so much better than the leading brand... why aren't you the leading brand?

   I miss those days when sex was safe and sports cars were dangerous.

   If you can't handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart then you don't deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

   I never win an argument with my wife, I survive them.

   Go to a strangers house tell them you used to live there and that your grandfather hid money somewhere in the house and just leave.

   After Facebook picked our minds for years...NOW it is asking How it's going?....how am I feeling? and what's happening? Is this some kind of psycho Therapy..?? Like · · Promote

   A headache when my husband is not home is a waste of pain.

   I had to leave my new girlfriend. She was just going through too much stuff at the time. Mainly my phone and my wallet.

   I had a dream last night that everyone I loved abandoned me. Morgan Freeman was there too. Man. That guy's in everything.