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Just got my dream Job starts next Monday .. Window cleaner in Amsterdam., 
Don't even TRY a home invasion at my house,,, I've got legions of Lego people ready to launch a campaign of foot pain terrorism at my command...
So far, my resolution to teach the dog Tai Chi is much more difficult than you would think.
Pre Gaming for Thanksgiving, no food for the next 24 hours.
Maybe thats why she didnt win American Idol
Sometimes I look at my FB feed and think "If you spent less time b!tching about your life, you might actually enjoy it."
Hey guys, girls can be funny too. Like when they say stuff like "Let's just be friends." or "Let me go and I won't tell the cops.”
I would take a bullet for my wife, unless it was fired out of a gun.
The biggest trick life plays on us, is the inability to fully appreciate something until it's gone. Except for broccoli.
Ugly People: There's only so much that photoshop can do.
some song lyrics are just so wrong.. "I drove all night to get to you, is that alright? I drove all night, crept in your room Woke you from your sleep, to make love to you Is that alright?"...No Roy, it was not alright at all!!!
Some people think of you as a ladder. Once they use you to reach the top, they throw you down.
Life is just a long, sick game of "Would you rather."
Penn State located in Happy Valley and they play football in Beaver Stadium....I so did not see this SEX Scandal coming.
No one ever wants to hear monster mash this time of year
Don't fight stupidity with anger, fight it with sarcasm. Much more fun
Normal Detroit people are probably pretty embarrassed being linked to "Hardcore Pawn"
Grandpa sure does like to work on his car... he's been under there changing his oil for 3 days.
Now that I have the Facebook timline it looks like I didn't exist before 2009, when, in fact, that's when I stopped existing!
If you're eating nachos and not singing nacho nacho man you're probably not as drunk as me.
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