Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   This is one holiday where our full-blown alcoholism could possibly go undetected.. Happy St. Patty's Day!!"

   Bless your little Irish heart and every other Irish part.

   When I was a kid, snow days cost $100 and only lasted a few hours...

   Would it kill them to put an extra 5 feet of rubber hose on the gas pumps so I dont have to look like a complete idiot whenever I pull up and my gas tank is on the wrong side

   decided to clean house since it is raining. Now it smells of Murphy oil soap and Pine-Sol.. Instead of Sex and Candy.

   I probably should have put my real birthdate, because I just woke up to a bunch of happy birthday's on my wall.

   if alcohol is a crutch, then Jack Daniels is the wheelchair

   When you start working on your own manifesto, its time to go talk to the professionals in the mental health industry.

   it a coincidence that Black History Month is in the shortest month of the year even in a leap year? Awkward.

   I used to be a looker when I was younger. Or a peeping Tom as the girls used to call me

   I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that yesterday when I was sitting in the fort I built.

   I think the ultimate test of being funny would be making a bailiff laugh out loud in a courtroom.

   I think you should say happy birthday 4 times to everyone havin a bday tomorrow.. since they only get 1 bday every 4 years..

   Which dwarf is Kristen Stewart playing in this new Snow White movie? Her face makes me think it's Sleepy.

   You can't threaten me with Work when I came to Work.

   I'll let my dog ride with me to the store just to wait in the car for the sole purpose of him not assuming I'm doing something fun every time I leave the house.

   I don't have time to babysit ppl's feelings. Speak up. How I'm suppose to know what's wrong with you?

   I told my boss I couldn't make it to work because of the weather today. "But it's sunny outside," he said. "Exactly," I replied, as I pop open a beer.

   An "ex" is like jail, if you keep going back then it shows you still haven't learnt a lesson.

   My Ultra sensitive toothpaste hates it when I use other toothpastes