Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Just when I thought I'd never get the chance to hear a Presidential candidate say "schlong"..

   Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing? Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?

   Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

   I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit score went up 12 points.

   Remember before hand sanitizer & antibacterial soap when we slammed our faces into a slobber-filled bucket of water trying to get an apple?

   This is Jane. Jane is in a relationship. Jane doesn't post on Facebook about how much she loves her partner. She does this in person. She doesn't mention every little significant thing they do. Janes knows nobody gives a damn. Jane is smart. Be like Jane.

   Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.

   I'm sorry, but I just don't understand this support of Crony Capitalism, growing Governmental Corruption and selling out this nations sovereignty to the new Globalist Governmental System. Am I missing something here?

   If you get a loan at the bank you’ll be paying it back for 30 years. If you rob a bank it’ll be 10 years. Follow me for more financial advice.

   I have electile dysfunction. I’m not aroused by any of the candidates

   I just had a woman use a pickup line on me that made me want to marry her. She ran her fingers across my beard and said “Is this seat taken?”

   two babies starting a true crime podcast about who got their nose

   We need a reality show where Flat-Earthers attempt to find the edge of the planet.

   Bill Cosby is in JAIL-O

   They've never overturned the initial electoral vote. It's never been changed. Never. Like Michael Moore's underwear.

   My therapist says I'm paranoid. Which is exactly what you might expect to hear from a shape-shifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts after they planted a microchip in my brain.

   I think 2016 will be known Historically as "The Year That Everyone Was Offended by Absolutely Everything." .... Well .... Hopefully we can look forward to 2017 as being known as "The Year That Everyone Grows Up!"

   At this very moment, Mexicans are building ladders.

   Never mix Viagra with Iron supplements. They cause you spin around and point North.

   I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose