Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   It sad how some losers are giving us a minute-by-minute update on Kanye & Kim wedding. If you were that important to them I am sure they would have sent you an invite.

   It's not premature if you're still at the dinner table and she doesn't notice.

   If drunk me doesn’t like you, then sober me has seriously thought about murdering you at some point.

   I wish I had half the respiratory health and vitality that my dog does. She smells everyone's a$$ and still never catches a cold.

   My condoms are expiring soon... Ladies

   Why don't strip clubs do Black Friday? It would be the one place I would camp out to go in.

   Hey, parents. Stop raising children and start raising adults.

   Ladies walk the dog don't let the dog walk you

   Sorry I photobombed your selfie, but I needed an alibi.

   When you are dead you don't know that you're dead, but it's hard for the people around you. It's the same if you are stupid.

   Lets call SELFIES what they really are; ALONIES

   The difference between "Girlfriend" and "Girl Friend" is that little space in between we call the "Friend Zone".

   Interesting Fact: The belt is actually the first "original" ADHD medicine.

   Can we just move on from Netflix and chill? What happened to picking up girls on their front porch with flowers for an actual date?!?!

   Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who's not interested.

   Here's a FedEx joke - actually, you'll get it tomorrow....

   Remember folks...the left wing and the right wing are all part of the same bird!

   Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.

   If I know 1 thing about the speed of light, it gets here to early in the morning.

   I bet acting like azzholes on the Internet all day wasn't where most of us visioned our lives to be right now.