Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   When a grammar Nazi gets sad and lonely, give them a hug and say, "There, their, they're."

   I met a girl in the pub last night and we ended up back at my place. I didn't have a clue what I was getting myself into. So I politely asked her to shave it.

   Oh I get it. Winnie the Pooh Bear can climb a tree with no pants, but when I have a few drinks and do it, people start freaking out.

   I tried that "Take a laxative to stop coughing, you'll be afraid to cough" remedy. It was going great....until I sneezed.

   I swear Taylor Swift only dates men for song material.

   I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

   Just saw my friend in a g ay p orn o... His secret has never been safer.

   There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!

   My STD test is: if she has a cell phone that costs less than $200 I use a condom.

   If you're 13 & under & have a Facebook, that's cheating. You gotta start from Myspace —-> Twitter —-> Facebook. Just like everybody else.

   If you find something wrong with EVERY person you meet maybe its because you haven't been introduced to yourself!

   Childbirth. The most beautiful thing in the world… Being destroyed by a baby.

   knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad...

   believes the NFL will support Haiti by sending over 10 million "Indianapolis Colts 2010 Super Bowl Champions" t-shirts!

   They keep telling me that the right person will come along. I think mine got hit by a truck.

   If you were on a deserted island and you could only bring one item, how come people never say "A boat"

   Queen Elizabeth now has a Facebook page,going to give her a poke

   Dear lunatic boyracer in the souped-up, loud BMW.. If you want to kill yourself by driving like an imbecile on icy roads kindly do this at 4am where you are very unlikely to take an innocent person with you.

   What do you mean push #1 for English???

   Chaos: What erupts when he-who-lives-in-a-glass-house invites he-who-is-without-sin for dinner.