Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   just had a 4 course breakfast.....Three Bloody Mary's and an Egg McMuffin!

   why is it that when you fart silent somebody rushes towards you to talk, hugs you, or sits behind you??

   Monotony is my favorite bored game.

   Don't let negative and toxic people rent space in your head. Raise the rent and evict them.

   Life seemed more interesting when everyone owned a flask.

   "Don't call me old fashioned or i'll be forced to pummel you in a rousing bout of fisticufs"

   I HATE the commercials that try to connect their product to a virtue of life, such as "Mayo....because everyone appreciates being with family." I could be with my family without Mayo, thanks

   I love the holidays. A time when people are supposed to be more nice and caring, actually become bigger a$$holes than they are the rest of the year.

   What do you call 3 old ladies at a baseball game with a bottle of whisky? Bottom of the 5th and the bags are loaded!

   Every time I see you falling, I get down on my knees and pray, That somebody puts that sh*t on YouTube, So I can watch it every day.

   I can't fall asleep with all these people honking at me. Go around!!

   woke up with the song Wonderwall by Oasis in my head, along with the word "portmanteau" for some reason... some days I feel like if Freud were still alive he'd look at me, shrug, and say, "Fuck, I don't know man. You're on your own with that one."

   Make love, not war. Hell, do both, GET MARRIED!

   found a dead lizard on the back porch...apparently, a reptile dysfunction.

   trying to develop a life off of facebook.....as you can see, its not working.....

   can't wait to see who's all going to be single on my facebook after the 4th of July!"

   I wonder if my boss was more fun and carefree in his youth, when his name was Anakin.

   I don't get the toilet seat issue that women have. I won't put my naked *ss on anything without looking at it first. Apparently some women are not so discriminating...

   I'm beginning to think the only real committed women are the ones who are institutionalized.

   Today's status is brought to you by the letters T G I F...